Joe Johnson Writer

Category: TV Reviews

  • Monsieur Spade

    Monsieur Spade

    Welcome. Come on in. Pull up a chair. You know my name? I hope so. It was written on the door. You don’t mind if I smoke, do ya? I know. It’s a bad habit. But me and bad habits? We’re like two peas in a pod.

    Enough of that. You didn’t waltz in here to talk vegetables. You want to know about Spade. Sam Spade. Private dick, like me. Solved a big case years back. The Maltese Falcon. Heard of it? I thought you might. Everyone knows about the black bird. Less folk know what happened next.

    See, Sam didn’t ride off into the sunset. Oh no. It may have taken 84 years, but he’s back. Older. Wearier. Tougher than a lifer in the hoosegow. As cynical as a faithless preacher. He goes by a new handle now. Monsieur Spade. It’s French. See, that dame who killed his partner? She beat the rap. Got released. Then she hired Sam to escort her daughter home to the south of France.

    Long way to go. Money must’ve been good. Or maybe there was something between them. Hard to say what motivates a man’s heart. Especially a man like Sam Spade.

    So Sam takes this girl to Bozouls, a little town in the south of France. The girl’s father ain’t around. Grandmother tells Sam her son ain’t got no children. So what’s a guy to do? He floats around with nowhere to go, like a fart in a crowded elevator. Drops the girl — Teresa, that was her name — at an orphanage. Falls for a rich widow. Gets married. Settles down. Stays outta trouble.

    But trouble has a way of finding us all, don’t it?

    Eight years later, the father comes back to town. Some say to swipe the girl’s trust fund. Great guy, right? Then bodies start to drop. Murder is in the air. Everyone is looking for this kid. No, not Teresa. A young boy from Algeria. Why do they want him? Well, all I’ve heard are stories. Some say he’s a child prodigy. Gifted. A real wiz with the numbers. A natural code breaker. The kind governments would kill for. Others? Well, others say the kid is some great prophet reincarnated. If you believe in that sort of thing. Doesn’t matter what we think. People have killed for far less.

    Sam finds himself in the middle of this. It all gets a bit confusing. Everyone thinks Sam knows about the kid. Or where to find him.The only kid Sam’s concerned with is Teresa. She’s coming of age. Quick with a lie, just like her mother. She’s hell on wheels, and living dangerously. Maybe that young soldier boy eyeing her is a ticket out of town. Or maybe he’s after the same score as everyone else. Sam? He just wants to mourn his wife. Look out for the kid. Folk just keep butting in.

    I see you nodding off. I get it. I do. I shrugged my way through this story, myself. I had to hear about it all by my lonesome. Couldn’t let my girl listen to it. You kidding me? This story would’ve lulled her away like Sleeping Beauty. And I ain’t no Prince Charming.

    Eventually, someone just rounds up everyone and throws ’em in a room. Makes them talk it all out. Real Agatha Christie-like. I say someone because they never say who she is. She says she’s got powerful friends. Who are we to argue? A whole lot gets said, without saying a whole lot, if you catch my drift.

    Everything ends and nothing really changes. ‘cept maybe Sam has a new inkling about his place in the world. A few more bodies in the mud, too, but people die every day. Them’s the breaks.

    That about sums up Monsieur Spade.

    What? Not a good enough yarn for you? Hey, I didn’t write it. What can I say? The story’s a century late. It follows maybe the greatest mystery story ever told. Nothing was gonna live up to that. Are you kidding? To even come close, it’d have to be…

    The stuff dreams are made of.

  • Star Wars: Skeleton Crew

    Star Wars: Skeleton Crew

    Wim lives a simple life. He wakes up every morning and goes to school. At night, he crams for the placement exams that will determine his future. On the weekends, he dreams of being a knight and having adventures. His best friend is a blue elephant.

    Oh, did I forget to mention? Wim lives in the Star Wars universe.

    One day, Wim and Neel (his friendly Loxodonta) are exploring in the woods when they find a mysterious, overgrown mechanical hatch. Maybe it leads to a secret underground temple? Nope, just a buried intergalactic star freighter. Two girls, Fern and KB, also stumble across the wreck and claim it for themselves. They are looking for replacement parts for their speeder bike.

    No sooner do they climb aboard than the ship takes off and leaves them stranded lightyears away from home. To make matters worse, it turns out that the kids live on At Attin–a “lost” world rumored to possess riches beyond men’s wildest dreams. This makes it a little hard to ask for directions.

    Their ship, they learn later, was once owned by the notorious pirate Tak Rennod. The only crew left aboard is the malfunctioning droid SM-33, who is voiced by a pitch perfect by Nick Frost. The name SM-33, you’ll notice, looks like Smee, the right-hand man to Captain Hook. Fern pluckily declares herself the new Captain and orders SM-33 to land them someplace safe. SM-33 takes them to the safest place he knows: A haven for pirates and smugglers.

    Thus begins the adventures of the Skeleton Crew.

    I’ll admit, I was skeptical when I saw the trailer. Suburban kids setting off on a pirate adventure in the Star Wars universe? Sounds like the usual Disney committee-think disaster.

    But the result is charming and fun. It’s The Goonies in space.

    Along the way, the crew meets up with Jod Na Nawood. He sports an unfortunate name even by Star Wars standards. He may also be a secret Jedi. But why do the kids find him in jail? Also, everyone he meets knows him by a different name–Captain Silvo, Crimson Jack, Dash Zentin, Professor Umiam Gorelox. Take your pick. Each person tells the kids: “Don’t trust him.” But Wim is skeptical. How can a Jedi knight be bad?

    Jude Law is clearly having a blast playing Jod, who feels like Han Solo if life kept dealing him bad hands. Or maybe Indiana Jones is a better fit. He’s clearly making this up as he goes and staying just one step ahead of near disaster. When all the plates come falling down, it’s hard to know whether he will come down on the side of the saints or the sinners. It’s possible he doesn’t know either.

    If I were to lodge one complaint: I still think putting suburbs in Star Wars is a stupid idea. I know. I get it. It’s a narrative shorthand to build a connection with the young audience.

    But it’s not like kids needed that to relate to Luke Skywalker. You can still do the kids-bored-with-everyday-life schtick without reducing it to lawn mowers and white picket fences.

    And, ya know, blue elephant besties.

    I don’t think Star Wars has been this entertaining since the first season of the Mandalorian. This is the kind of show that would’ve blown my mind as a kid. As a recently-turned 40-year-old, it’s still easy to recommend. It’s got that classic Spielberg, Amblin Entertainment charm that’s so rare these days.

    I’ll admit to being biased. I grew up enamored with Indiana Jones, Jurassic Park, and Back to the Future. Part of me yearns for pulpy, preposterous adventure stories. Throw some lost cities, forbidden treasures, and a few daring escapes at me and I’m pretty much in for the cost of admission. Not everything has to be high art. Sometimes fun is enough.

  • The Sticky

    The Sticky

    Maple syrup is one of those products I just assumed sprang into existence fully formed. Like mangos. Or boulders. But there are apparently farmers who tap trees with spigots to collect the stuff.

    Ruth Landry is a Quebec maple syrup farmer. She is struggling pay the bills and care for her comatose husband. Then the association that regulates the syrup trade revokes her license on a technicality.

    The owner, Leonard Gauthier, wants to force Ruth out of business and buy her land on the cheap. He makes her an insultingly low offer. Ruth responds by hurling a 30-foot maple tree through the association’s front door. Leonard thinks it is a good idea to keep hounding her.

    As my father used to say: Never underestimate a woman willing to throw timber at you. Odds are good she ain’t screwing around.

    Ruth hatches a scheme to rip off the association’s million-dollar maple syrup surplus with the help of Remy Bouchard, the only security guard at the association’s warehouse, and Mike Byrne, a disgraced mobster with poor impulse control.

    The relationship between the three is set up well, building enough sympathy to make you care about the characters when they start breaking bad and making poor decisions. As with most crime comedies, the plot zigs and zags in unexpected ways. Nothing goes according to plan and eventually our crew is in hot water with the police, the mob, and the association.

    The Sticky is a lot of fun. It’s clearly going for a Fargo vibe, especially with their “This is not based on a true story” title card at the beginning of each episode. But it’s missing the distinctive style and well-defined side characters that make Fargo such a singular viewing experience.

    A larger problem is the finale, which left me wondering if there were still more episodes waiting to drop. It felt abrupt–less like a season-end cliffhanger and more like the next chapter of your book is 12 months away. It’ll also be a huge bummer if the show isn’t picked up for future seasons. I think a smidge more resolution would’ve countered this.

    Still, those are pretty minor complaints about a fun, well-crafted crime story. Recommended.